I have spent lots of sleepless nights thinking about my life and future; and for the better part of my adult years I have been confused. As in, bawling-in-the-middle-of-the-night confused; confused about my place in this vast universe. You see I wish I could just have a job that pays me well enough so that I could sail through each day eating, sleeping, going to work and just having fun. Don’t we all?
Two things wrong with that picture, life has not been that simple for me, and I am just a restless being. And to make matters worse I am not the kind of person who can hide her feelings very well. My restlessness expressed itself as utter confusion and I just couldn’t hide that.
You know the panic you feel when you try to answer the question “So what are your plans now that you’re a graduate?” Or the depression that grips you when you try to sit down and do a 5year plan that actually makes sense? Or the near physical pain you feel when you perceive that, of all your friends and contemporaries, you don’t seem to be making much progress? Let’ not talk about that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you walk into the tenth interview session you have been privileged to attend in six months and find no less than a hundred other people trying to get into that same position.
Now, maybe some people are just ‘lucky’, I guess. Things just fall into place. They study the ‘right’ courses in school. Get the ‘right’ jobs or have the ‘right’ talents that, when exploited, can be a real source of income.
For the rest of us? Huh … it’s not that simple. We have to strike a few bad ideas of our list, try a few businesses that don’t work, work at those jobs that take more than they give, change our DOBs just to get our foot in the door and wonder what the heck we’re doing as the months roll into years.
But couldn’t just one go with the flow? You know, take whatever comes and just ignore that deep gnawing desire to do more and, be more?
See I’ve realized something; you know that long process it takes to figure ourselves out? It’s actually a blessing. We’re more apt to get that one thing right at the first shot because we’ve learnt how not to do stuff along the way. We’re more empathetic, you know; we ‘get’ the pain and struggles of others. Plus who knows, we may even make a living helping others figure things out.
So there’s no chance I’m ignoring that deep gnawing desire to do more and be more. Bottom line is we always find what we’re looking for, as long as we never stop searching.
And, no, this is not some sort of consolation. It is the way of the world.